Your face is a jimmy john
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
