Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
