totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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