He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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