I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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