Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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