Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I faked an abortion last night.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
