Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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