I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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