he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
