Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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