I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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