is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
