So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
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