If that was your dad, he is hot
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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