Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
