There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm getting married
To pizza
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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