She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
