Cold hands, warm shart.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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