I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
