If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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