Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So many bounce houses so little time
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
