five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
