i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
