I can't breathe out the right side of my face
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
