I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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