The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
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Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
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She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.