I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
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Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
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I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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