we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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