I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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