He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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