in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...