me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.