He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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