You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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