I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
