I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
