Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Pooping to opera.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
