Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
