her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
