Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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