I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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