went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
