it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
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I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
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you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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