if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
