we have officially lost it.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
