i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
