I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
