I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
