Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
