I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
