I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
