TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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