Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you will always have a special place in my vag
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
