Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
