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Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
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