We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
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As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
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Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.