look no pants
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
