i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.