Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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