Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
