I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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