people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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