just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
