you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
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